I’ve had a number of losses that for some reason have haunted me for years. The hardest part of almost any loss is the loss of how I defined myself prior to it. Even though I never consciously recognized it, I was continually grieving the losses of myself, of the person whom I had defined as…

Do you let others define what you are worthy of, or do you love yourself nevertheless and always? Go ahead and let others define you. Because they always will. So don’t try to stop them. It doesn’t matter what they think. The only thing that matters is what you think of yourself. Let others define you, and give no heed. Move on and do not exemplify or further define yourself then. For when you do define, you limit. You limit who are you are, you limit who you can be, and you limit who you retrospectively were. And you maintain a skewed and narrow view of yourself. You create a person of minimization, of self-deprecation and destruction. You create a being worthy of criticism and judgement, not only from yourself but at the mercy of others. You have defined a reality that is the only truth you may know.

The most impactful loss that I can remember was when I retired from gymnastics. I was 15 years old, and just finished training and competing for nine years. That’s when I learned what depression meant. I have this odd memory of being at a recreational swimming pool with my mom and siblings. We had just moved across the country again to a new town, and I remember sitting on the edge of the pool watching my siblings splashing and laughing below the hot Texas summer sun. I couldn’t get in the water. All I could do was think about my old gym, about how I never stuck a landing on that last yurchenko I would ever attempt. I was filled with loss and regret, and no one heard the ache inside my soul.

To this day, I still have dreams at night, where I am back in the gym trying to accomplish a skill with continued failure. I wake up in tears. Do I regret quitting gymnastics? Only for a brief moment, and then I realize how different my life would have turned out had I continued with the sport. All I can do now is appreciate everything gymnastics gave me, and how it has shaped my life today. There is a quote that young gymnasts love: “Gymnastics is life. The rest is just details.” What a dangerous statement to instill into the impressionable minds of children.

As I write this, my tears well up slightly because I’ve never told anyone about this. I’ve never had the courage to write about it. I think people hold onto things so hard and for so long, it becomes apart of who we are, morphing and compiling, and eventually we don’t even recognize who we are anymore. We fall prey to one of two camps, the martyrs and the copers. It’s important to address and resolve past distresses, but better yet, let’s not allow them to take ahold within our present selves.

It’s difficult to let go of the version of myself who I loved so dearly, and lost. I LOVED being a gymnast. I loved being strong, flexible, powerful, creative, beautiful, and free. I loved being different than my schoolmates. Gymnastics gave me a sense of individuality and freedom. I loved that me. But when I quit gymnastics, I lost her and it felt like I lost those traits along with it. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Because I had defined myself as “this” person. Just as easily as I had GIVEN it “this” name, it was able to be taken away. And I let it.

We cling so tightly to any defined aspect of our lives and mooch off of it like a parasite. We are our own unfriendly and deadly host, living in a delicate symbiotic relationship. When the tables are turned, as they so often are in life, we become desperate and lost. You can make yourself sick. That’s what I had done to myself. I had dug a trench so deep as to eliminate any visibility of sunlight from the depths of my hole. I am on a journey to heal myself. Healing the body, the mind, and the spirit.

So do not define yourself. Instead, just be. Be who you are in the moment, not confined by judgement and expectation. Be limitless. Love who you are now and always. Love yourself wholly. Imagine the infinite possibilities of who you are. Say I AM.

I say, “I AM wholly well.”